Madeline The Great

It has been a complete year. I wish I could say that it has been a comlete regenesis but that would be a lie and I detest those. It has been a full year since the panic attack/breakdown and so very very many things have happened. I think after this year I can honestly say that I have become a better person but at great cost. A year in which I lost so very very many people I loved, dealt with long buried issues, fell in love and got rejected. A year in which I cried more times that I can count, honestly connected with other people and had my heart broken again and again. This was the worst year of my life, which hasnt exactly been a gem. I am making the best of it. I have made strides this year in the hardest ways possible I am now a stronger, ultimately happier individual. I am still all the things that made me great before loving, kind, funny, intelligent and warm but now I can proudly say that I am for once also not too trusting, performing the mommy function, and am gaining some social aptitude. Though I am nowhere near perfect at any of these skills I am bettering myself. THis year has been incredibly painful for me and I can admit that while writing this its impossible to hold back tears. I can only sincerly hope that all of this will make me stronger and that my life in the future will be better. Whats funny is that when I was in high school I had always hoped that only good times were ahead because I had been through my lifetime's allotment of horrible things. This was not what was in store for me. If you have stuck with me through all of this I really appreciate it. I know me changing was probably difficult for you. I am trying to keep to all of my life changes even though it is hard. My resolutions are also something I have to stick to. I don't know what else to say. This year has just been so hard and writing this note makes me feel like such a whiny goddamn cunt. But I cant help it. I still often feel really really deeply depressed even though my life changes are helping me. There is so much more left to do that I am so scared.